NGE: Letting Go (Holding On)
by Gemini011
Summary: Each love makes a space for itself in the heart, and no matter how old love may be overshadowed by new, that space never fully disappears. Drabbles.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer**: Evangelion is not mine. It will never be mine. The sooner I accept this cruel truth, the happier my life will be.

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**Letting Go (Holding On)**

Shinji's tried for years to forget about Kaworu; to forget about the pain of killing someone he cared about with his own hand; to forget about the joy of finding, for the first time, someone who cared about him for who he was instead of something he could do. Part of him wants to let all of that go, to move past it so that he can focus on what's important to him now, but he can never entirely escape the other part: the part that clings desperately to the first person aside from his mother to ever tell him "I love you."

It creeps up on him when he's not paying attention; especially when he hears Beethoven's Ninth. The first time Asuka noticed him stopping to listen to it, he simply told her it was nice to hear such a joyful song once in a while, and (wisely, in retrospect) didn't say anything about the bittersweet memories it evoked.

Asuka hates Kaworu, and Shinji knows it's partly because he was an angel, and partly because he was called to replace her as a pilot; but mostly it's because she doesn't understand. Or rather, can't understand. She just hasn't known that same kind of love, the pure love that has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with wishing for the other's happiness, not since her mother went into Unit 02.

It's not that he doesn't love her; in complete, frightening honesty, he loves and desires her more than anything in the world. There is nothing he wouldn't give or do for her, if it were within his power. But it's not the same. He doesn't love her the way he loved Kaworu, and she knows it; she covets that little piece of his heart that will never belong to her alone.

He used to try to explain it to her, but in the end it always just made her angry. She's good at hiding her pain, but after a while he realized he was hurting her and stopped trying to make her understand. Because while he truly believes he would do anything for her, he can never quite let go of Kaworu.

So instead, he does everything he can to show Asuka he's hers, and doesn't bring it up. If she brings it up herself, he quickly changes the subject. He's worried that someday her anxiety over the whole thing will tear them apart, and that worry drives him to ridiculous lengths to prove to her what she means to him. More often than not, he succeeds, but sometimes it backfires completely; she accuses him of trying too hard and wonders aloud if he's being false with her after all. It's all he can do not to tear his hair out in frustration.

But if there's one thing he's learned from her after all this time, it's how to be stubborn. So he'll keep holding on tight to what he values most in his life, keep fighting for her the way he should have done back when they were kids and everything was falling apart inside and around them. This fight, he thinks, is much, much harder.

Against the angels, things so often came down to simply choosing - or stumbling into - the most effective application of brute force. With Asuka, there's no clear target, only the ongoing goal of remaining by her side. Of constantly striving to give her the happiness she deserves.

And that's why he still hasn't told her how much Kaworu loved the "Ode to Joy." She likes it too - she catches him humming the melody absently from time to time, and it always seems to bring a smile to her face. Shinji can't stand the thought of taking that pleasure away from her by revealing that every time he hears it, a small part of him thinks of a strange boy with wild silver hair and gentle red eyes.

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_Not a ton of drama here, so apologies to any who were hoping for that, but I wanted to focus on that specific feeling of wanting to let go of the past and being unable to despite having happiness in the present. Hopefully I was able to convey that successfully. _

_This short little fic has actually spent more time sitting around being revised after its initial completion than anything else I've written so far; hopefully all that work was worth it. Please let me know what you liked or didn't like in a review. Thanks for reading!_


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** See chapter one, and don't sue me.

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Asuka is a fan of the scruffy look, even if Shinji is not. She understands that he doesn't want to do anything that will make him look like his father, and frankly that's fine with her. She'd rather not wake up to Gendo Ikari's creepy beard every morning. Or any morning, for that matter.

But a little stubble... that's not so bad, is it?

It actually took her by surprise the first time she saw it, during college. After a solid week of cramming, papers, and finals, he had staggered through the door of their small apartment while vowing to take the exam schedule into account when he registered for next year's classes. She'd looked up from her laptop, smirking, to offer the obligatory "I told you so" when she'd caught sight of his face and froze.

She was shocked. He'd been almost annoyingly assiduous about staying clean shaven ever since the first hint of facial hair made its appearance on his chin during high school. She wouldn't have expected even the stress of the past week to break his routine, but there he was, bleary eyed and sporting several days' growth of stubble.

Wanting a closer look, and realizing suddenly that with how busy they'd both been this was the first time she'd really seen him all week, she set her computer aside and hopped off the couch. As she helped him stumble over to the bed ("Idiot, this is what you get for relying on those energy drinks so much.") she glanced at his cheek, noting the thin covering of slightly coarse hairs now residing there.

She laid him down and chuckled fondly as he passed out almost before his head touched the pillow. As he lay there, snoring softly, her curiosity got the better of her and she reached out and lightly stroked her fingers under his chin. It was rough, a little scratchy but nice - and completely different from his skin's usual smoothness.

She licked her lips, wondering what it would feel like to - but that was stupid, she thought, shaking her head. It was still Shinji, it would be the same as kissing him any other time. Still though, his chin had felt so different. His cheek should feel different too, right? She bent down and softly pressed her lips to his cheek. The tiny hairs were scratchy, as she expected, and tickled a little as she pulled away, leaving her lips with an odd but not entirely unpleasant sensation.

As she straightened up, touching a hand to her mouth as she looked at his sleeping face, a strange feeling came over her. Her heart was pounding and her cheeks felt hot, but why? All she'd done was kiss Shinji's cheek, something she'd done plenty of times before. For some reason this time made her... what? It was like she was excited and ashamed at the same time.

Not wanting to deal with the uncomfortable feeling, she'd quickly fled back to the couch and tried to distract herself with a combination of television and Internet. Eventually it worked.

When Shinji woke up, he'd immediately gone and shaved. Asuka had pouted, saying that he had looked so good with a bit of manly stubble, but in the end she let it go without too much teasing. She liked him fine the way he was, after all.

Right?

Right.

Since then, he's let his facial hair grow out a few times, though never for more than a few days, and usually at her insistence. She's not sure why it always gives her a guilty thrill to see him like that, to kiss his scratchy cheeks and rub her hand under his chin. To be honest, she's not sure she wants to figure it out; that might force her to deal with things better left in the past, things she doesn't want intruding on her happy present.

And anyway, Shinji doesn't seem to mind (much) indulging her about this now and then, so what's the harm?

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_Surprised myself a little with how swiftly this one flowed out after how long the previous chapter took. This one, I admit, is a little bit influenced by a couple chapters in "The Devil and the Saviour" by marianne in chains, which is a fascinating and well written collection of mostly unconnected drabbles. If you don't know the chapter I'm talking about, I'm not telling. Go read the thing for yourself, it's worth the time._

_I'm not sure where I'll take this from here, but I have a few ideas. We'll see. _

_As always, thanks for reading. Please leave a review to let me know what you liked or didn't like._


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